Buckle your seat belts, kids. This is going to be a doozy.

If true, deep, raw vulnerability makes you queasy, walk away now. It's okay. I understand. Really, I do.

This post was inspired by this video:

http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html

And this one:

http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_listening_to_shame.html

As soon as you have time, and really they're not that long (only 20 minutes each), watch them. Both of them. Soak them in.

Truth is, I had to be told, prodded, reminded about these videos three times before I actually watched them. First, Ryan told me about them about a year ago when my USS (Ultimate Sh** Storm) first hit. Then, my sweet friend Beth Graybill texted me about them around that same time. Then, just this morning, after asking a few of my trusted female soul mates for prayer, my brave, loving, fierce-in-the-ways-that-matter friend Paige Flory texted me about them, specifically the second video. She had no idea that Ryan or Beth had told me about them previously. Okay God, I got it this time. It only took three knocks before I answered the door.

I've been in bed all morning. Well, actually I got up, woke the boys for school, woke Ryan so he could drive the boys to school, started packing lunches and then all you-know-what broke loose. Truth is, parenting is hard. Really hard. And this morning, my fears, shame and weaknesses won. I threw the comb across the kitchen in the middle of the getting-ready-for-school routine, marched up to my room, flopped facedown on my bed and wept like an absolute maniac. And stayed in bed. For hours. Now I'm on the couch with my laptop. Still in my PJ's. Still raw and weary and puffy-eyed.

I'm not even really sure where to start. I want to de-clutter my house but I think I should start with my soul. But there I go, "shoulding" all over myself again. How, exactly, does one go about de-cluttering their soul?

I just want to be heard and known and understood. I don't want to be judged. I want to be loved with the purest of loves. The thing is, I'm having a hard time accepting love right now. I feel gross and bruised and misunderstood and doubtful and lazy and weak and ashamed.

So I'm just going to sit in it for a while. Because honestly, not letting myself truly feel these things and stuffing them is what contributed to my USS in the first place.

Thanks for stopping by.

Cindy

Hello again, old friend.

Well here we are. 2013. And it's been nearly four years since I've written anything on this blog.

FOUR YEARS?!?!

Yep, four years.

So, why start again now? Well, there's a long answer and a short answer. The long answer involves a year-long journey of twists, turns, ups and downs, beginning with what I've labeled the "Unbelievable Sh** Storm" of early 2012 - a personal storm that I'll probably delve into more in a later post.

The short answer is because I feel like God is asking me to. He has given me a personality, a LIFE, a voice that is worth sharing. That voice has been very, very quiet for far too long. It has had various outlets over the years, but honestly, but because I enjoy writing so stinkin' much and a blog can be, well, anything I want it to be, this seems like the perfect venue for said voice. (That turned out to be a not-so-short answer, after all. Cheesy grin.)

So feel free to follow. Or not.

What can you expect? Who knows. I have all sorts of ideas swimming around in my head. Try not to be frightened. ;-)

Nervously excited,

Cindy

Penn State Blue & White Weekend

Okay, so I was exhausted by the time the weekend was over, but it was SOO FUN to take my boys up to PSU for the first time!! And my brother, Dave, is a super-senior up there, so he spent the weekend with us. Great weather, fun carnival, good food, great game - perfect weekend!!

Here are some highlights...

Reality

Right now, Ryan is explaining the events of September 11, 2001 to Ben. How do you explain that day and the days following to a seven-year-old? And how can his sweet mind comprehend that kind of evil?

He now has a knowledge of people's hatefulness, fear and abandonment beyond what he knew of before. A piece of his innocent ignorance has been lost.

Please understand that I am not criticizing my husband. I know that these lessons and discoveries are just a part of growing up in our fallen world. Ryan handled it beautifully. Now I'm off to hug my children.

Well helllooooooo!

Oh my stars! It's been a loooong time since my last post!! Like, eight months to be exact. Yikes.

Well, let's jump right back in, shall we?

Ben, having achieved his orange belt at Fear Knot Martial Arts in Elizabethtown, applied and was accepted into their leadership program. This is a big deal. He gets to train with (foam) weapons now and receives extra training after class. In addition, they take field trips, do community projects, etc. His homework for next class is to read several pages from "The West Point Way of Leadership," the book on which their leadership progam is based. Good stuff. I'm excited for him.

He's REALLY enjoying karate and seems to be a natural at it. Seriously. He just GETS it. It's been good for him in several ways. He's fun to watch, too!